I wanted to celebrate how far I've come. This song really suits my feelings because of a couple of appropriate lines.

"Never thought I'd have this feeling. Never thought I'd get this far."

"Changed my mind, changed my ways. Wasn't going to do this anymore."

There were a lot of times during my recovery when it felt like I was going nowhere or worse. I want to show that it is possible to reach a point where life can be good again. I climbed out of darkness and now I get to fly.

Duchess against fat

Britain is "eating itself to death."

There's an article in BBC news about how Duchess Sarah Ferguson is planning on a campaign to promote healthy eating. Those are the words used in the opening paragraph: "healthy eating." So how come it spends the rest of the article talking about fat?

The message I'm getting from the article is that the only way to be healthy is to be thin.

I'm very much in favour of healthy eating, but people need to understand that healthy eating doesn't always involve losing weight. The right ballance of food is important, the right nutrients and the right amount. I wish articles would stress this as much or more than the need to be thin. If the message is targetted at the obese, I could understand it, but the article seems to imply that everyone in the country needs to shape up and get thin.

I hope the documentary is better. I really hope it takes some time to consider eating disorders and those who take dieting too far. But I won't be watching to find out. I don't need former royalty telling me that I need to be thin from my TV screen.

Weekly Update 11th May 2008

I've eaten more than I should this past week, but I've not binged. I've had Chinese take-away two days in a row, but it's been shared with friends as part of a fun evening and I've enjoyed eating the food I ordered. I will try and focus on that fact when I see my reflection in the bathroom mirror tomorrow.

I have done exercise over the past few days, but not out of guilt. There was badminton and there were games with friends, all of which fun and none of which driven by guilt. I will go to the gym tomorrow, but because I'm trying to be healthy, not out of a desperate urge to burn off the egg fried rice. The line between trying to be healthy and trying to undo days of bad eating is a fine one, but I'm still on the right side of it at the moment.

My university work has been handed in and there's nothing that I can do to change the marks now. It's like a cloud has lifted from my thoughts. The need for food to calm me about grades has faded for the time being.

Pro-ana sites

Sooner or later, almost every blog dealing with eating disorders must have a discussion about these sites.

There are a lot of sites, groups, forums and communities online for people with eating disorders. These can be divided into two sets. One has all those sites for sufferers trying to recover, with members offering support and advice to each other on how to get better and be happy again. The other set has all those sites for people trying to do "better" with their eating disorder, with members offering support, tips and inspiration to help each other achieve their goal weight and be happy.

There are also plenty that fall somewhere in the middle, with some members of each type.

I will talk about these sets as though they are distinct, but I'm sure there are many examples where the lines blur a little.

Let us consider pro-recovery sites. These are places where eating disorder sufferers can share their experiences and know that they won't be judged. They can talk about their feelings openly. They can get support and advice when they feel depressed. For the vast majority of the users, these places are a great help. I've used them myself because it's easier for me to write about my feelings than talk about them.

Unfortunately, there are those people who use the sites for all the wrong reasons. There are disordered individuals who read accounts of people's experiences and, instead of seeing support, simply see new ideas. They see new methods of eating less or throwing up more or hiding their disorder. These are individuals so caught up in their disorder that they fight to keep it rather than fight to heal it.

In many ways, these people are those most in danger from their eating disorder. Those who join the sites for support have acknowledged that they have a disorder and most of them will be trying, however successfully or not, to fight it. These others are not fighting. Some or all of them may accept on one level that they have a problem, but their actions are to continue with it. Perhaps reading the eating disorder websites will inspire them to try to recover themselves. Or perhaps reading the sites will just gives them ideas for new techniques which put their bodies and minds in danger. There's no way to tell and there's no way to block from viewing the sites those who would take away the wrong information.

So even the best pro-recovery sites may end up hurting some of their users.

Then, at the other end of the spectrum, are the pro-ana sites. These are filled with girls declaring that they're going to start being anorexic because they need to fit into a smaller bikini. There are people on these sites who think it's fun to be anorexic or that an eating disorder will let them lose weight quickly. Most of these users are ignorant of the real affects of eating disorders but they share information with others equally ignorant, so they think they know all they need to. They offer thinspiration to encourage each other to lose weight. They offer tips and tricks on how to perform disordered behaviour.

I read a post on one community where one girl was asking how to make herself throw up. I've been in that girl's position. I remember once after a binge sitting on the bathroom floor and crying about what a failure I was because I couldn't even throw up properly. Right then, I would have loved someone to come to me and tell me how. But now I'm glad I didn't try and ask for tips online, because it meant I couldn't develop another dangerous and addictive habit. I wanted to tell this girl that she should be glad that she wasn't going to be able to destroy her throat and teeth. But several other girls had already replied, offering advice on how to do it.

There are so many people joining these online groups and learning how to behave in a disordered way because they think it's a diet or worse, a game.

I don't believe that reading these sites causes eating disorders. However, there are people who are predisposed to eating disorders because of anxiety, perfectionist tendencies or the physical make-up of their brain. If these people are reading pro-ana sites then it's likely that they've already been worrying about their looks and maybe already started some disordered behaviour patterns. Reading about other girls doing it might be all that's necessary to convince them this is the right way for them to behave. The sites would be the point that tips them over the edge from bad habits to a full disorder.

But on the other hand, there might be someone who feels like a freak because she has a disorder. Then she reads these sites and sees so many other people acting the same way. Maybe that would be enough to convince her she's not the only one and maybe that would help her hate herself less.

Even the worse pro-ana site may end up helping someone with a true disorder.

The pro-ana sites give eating disorders a bad reputation. People see these girls trying to starve themselves because of fashion and they think that's all that eating disorders are. The real illness gets hidden behind a screen of girls going, "OMG! I just ate a chocolate bar. I feel so fat!"

I would love it if some of the worst of these sites were shut down so that it would be easier for people to see the sites offering real advice and information. I would love to find every wannarexic on these sites and point them so some of the pro-recovery places and show them that they should try to be less disordered, not more. But all I can do is add my voice to the crowd of information. Maybe if enough people offer stories of real disorders, the pro-ana cultists will see the truth of what they're doing.

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Anorexic's advice – a site intended for wannarexics, offering the truth about eating disorders, advice on how to lose weight by healthy means and tips for recovery. This is one of the best sites I've found.

lol_anaz – a livejournal community for poking fun at the wannarexics on pro-ana sites. Most of the members of this community have actual disorders and are sick of wannarexics playing for attention. I should stress that this group isn't for making fun of eating disorders or sufferers, just those that think they want a disorder.

ed_friends – another livejournal community. This one is somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Most of the members are genuine sufferers after support, but a few are wannarexics looking for tips.

ED friends unite – a forum for genuine disorder sufferers. This site is for people who have a disorder and need support. It's very much pro-recovery and has strict rules against people asking for or posting tips.

Beat – a UK organisation to combat eating disorders. This site contains information about disorders and contact details and helpline numbers. People from all over the world can get support, help or facts. People from the UK can find out about local support and groups.

Advertising rant

Two posts in one day because I've just seen something to make me really mad.

It's an advert for Slim-Fast. This is a brand of products supposed to make weight loss quick and easy. Originally, they just had milkshakes. The idea was that you would eat one for breakfast, one for lunch and then cook yourself a proper dinner in the evening. Then they started doing soups, bars and drinks as well. I've not tried them and I don't know anyone who has.

The advert has "How will you slim happy?" written in large letters. That seems to me to be implying that you can't be happy until you're slim.

To make things worse, the woman in the advert doesn't look like she needs to lose weight. She doesn't look skinny, but she doesn't look overweight either. She looks normal, healthy and not like someone who needs to resort to diet products.

I'm furious about this advert. It suggests that thinness is required for happiness and it shows someone who doesn't need to lose weight resorting to extreme diet measures.

I don't believe that adverts and media can cause eating disorders, but it can trigger the development of one in a person who is naturally susceptible. I'm not one for protesting about things I see in the media, but I may well make a complaint in this case.

Pull the String

Continuing my weekly video pattern. I'm not sure how long I'm going to be able to keep this as a weekly thing, because there's a limit to the number of songs I can use.



One thing that I've shown in this video are the scars on my wrists. I tried to kill myself when I was fifteen. It was undoubtedly the stupidest thing I've done in my life, but I'm glad I did it.

When it failed, I admitted to two of my friends that I'd been depressed. I didn't tell them about the binging because, at the time, I still didn't believe I had an eating disorder. But I was able to talk about other issues that bothered me and they were able to support me through the bad days.

My best friend was so completely distraut when I told her I'd tried to kill myself that I decided never again. I swore to myself that no matter how bad things got, I would never try to take my own life.

Which meant I was left with two options: I could spend the rest of my life being miserable and hating myself, or I could get better. That was the turning point for me. Yes, the binging continued for a couple of years more, but I was determined that I would recover. I was able to make more friends when I started sixth form, do things I enjoyed and actually have fun.

I feel quite proud when I look at this video and see that the scars are barely visible at this quality. I hid them for ages under bracelets when it seemed like they'd never fade and that they'd declare my idiocy for the rest of time. But they have faded. The evidence can only be seen if you look closely. And I kept my promise.

I never tried again.

I never will.

Perfectionism

The end of my degree is looming and my grades so far put me right on the borderline between a 2:1 and a first. For those who don't know about the English degree classifications, a first is as good as it gets. A 2:1 is the second best grade. Most people would be delighted with a 2:1 in a subject where the university is one of the best in the country.

Yet I can't shut up the tiny bit of my brain that says I must get a first or else.

At this point, with the grades I have from previous exams and assessments, I'd probably have to fail a module not to get a 2:1. I have a well-paid job already sorted for after I graduate and there's no condition to the offer. If I'm too ill to even sit my final exams or my project report spontaneously combusts meaning I somehow fail, I'll still have my employment sorted. I've had four years of taking part in societies and events, I've made friends, I've, by some miracle, found a boyfriend. As one friend put it, I've won university.

So why am I still terrified of getting anything but the best marks?

I would love to blame my parents. When I got the job offer, one of my dad's first comments (the actual first comment was "congratulations") was that now I had no distractions to stop me getting a first. But I've talked with my mum and I know she's happier that I've found a job I want than she would have been if I'd come out with a really high first and no idea about employment. My mum is happy for me and I know she won't think any less of me if I don't quite make the grades for a first.

The rational part of my brain knows it doesn't matter. I got AABB for my A-level results, which didn't give me the three As I needed for Oxford. Before the results, it seemed that missing out on my Oxford place would be the biggest disaster imaginable. But it happened. The world didn't end. I went to my second choice university and I've had a brilliant time here. I've been happy despite what, at the time, felt like a gigantic failure.

Now I face a situation that is far less drastic. I have nothing riding on these results. In a few years, no one will care if I get a first or a second, since potential employers will look at my work experience not my uni grades.

I can tell myself quite sensibly that these last marks don't matter. The classification of my degree is unimportant.

But, like so many times before, the rational part of my brain is not the loudest voice. The desire for perfection is shouting loudly enough to almost drown it out. That voice is telling me that it will be terrible if I miss out on a first by a few marks. That voice is telling me that I will be a failure.

Someone really needs to invent some way of gagging these paranoid parts of myself.