Yesterday

This is what happened yesterday, which made me think about starting a blog.

It wasn't really a binge, but it was a bad sign.

A friend invited me and others round because she was cooking dinner and she made the suggestion of bringing more food. I asked what kind of food and she suggested a vegetable side dish. I thought about this and decided what I'd bring. But, I wasn't sure how many people were going to be there and wanted there to be enough, without using up all the vegetables I had in the fridge.

So I went to the shop to buy supplies. Perfectly reasonable.

I wasn't feeling bad yesterday, at all. There was a slight guilt because I'd not been doing the university work I should have been, but I had no reason for feeling depressed. Just the day before, I'd been feeling really optimistic about my fitness test results.

So why did I fill my basket with loads of junk?

It's the big question. I knew it was stupid at the time, I knew I'd regret it. But I piled in the crisps, sweets and biscuits. I bought some hot stuff from the deli section as well. And then I checked out.

I know I'm better than I used to be. The time was, I'd have eaten half the food before I even made it back to my house and then I'd have kept eating. As it was, I ate the hot stuff, at a pace that most people probably wouldn't have considered particularly fast. Then I started eating this cheese straw thing I'd bought from the bakery. I decided I didn't like the taste and I threw it away.

It seems crazy that that's a big deal. But I decided I didn't like the taste of something so I stopped eating it. There were times when I was at my worst when I'd have eaten anything and I wouldn't have stopped for something so minor as taste.

I ate some of the chocolate when I got back but there is a bag in my room that still contains two packets of Pringles, a packet of biscuits, some Go Ahead bars, some fruit flakes, some chocolate and some sweets. I didn't eat it all. I didn't even eat half of it and what I did eat yesterday I didn't shove down my gob in one sitting. I can clearly see the improvement, but it's still depressing that I have these tendencies to go out and buy loads of unhealthy food and to eat when I know I'm not hungry.

I may have eaten more than I was supposed to yesterday for no particular reason, but I don't think it was a binge. It's just worrying that, even after all this time, I still do things like this.

I didn't throw up.

I'm not going to starve myself today because of it.

I am going to go to the gym, but only because I'd planned to anyway and I want to keep fit.

The title of my blog starts "still hoping." So, I'll keep hoping that there will be a time when I don't get urges like this.