Update

I've had a few comments on my last post asking for an update so people can see how I'm getting on. This post doesn't mean I'm going to be posting regularly again yet though.

The past few months have been extremely hard for me for several reasons. The first is the break-up with my boyfriend which I'm still not completely over, even if I have stopped crying about it on a regular basis. I still think we should have worked together but I can't sit around waiting for him to realise he's been an idiot. I'm not over him yet, I'm not ready to start dating again by a long way but I'm getting there.

I started a new, challenging job in September. I went through a few months of not being sure I was doing the job right, wondering why they'd hired me and thinking that I was never going to get the hang of things. I think I have now. It's got to a point where I think I'm doing a useful job and I'm really enjoying some of my work.

The other implication of the new job was it meant moving home. I moved to a new town most of the way across the country (this is England, not Amercia, so it's not as bad as it could be) from where I'd been living. This means I'm a fair distance from my friends and family. That was incredibly tough.

But I've survived these changes.

I had some bad days. I had some really bad days. And I had some occasions where I spent too much of the weekend eating half the menu of the local Chinese take-away.

There were some extremely rough moments when it felt that relapse would be all but inevitable, but I got through them.

One of the things that helped was something I wouldn't have expected to. I started taking kung fu. I went to the class for the first time more or less on a whim. I'd been here a couple of months and barely knew anyone outside of work, so I could go the entire weekend without real human contact. So I looked up classes and courses that were on at the weekend just so I'd be out there meeting people. I saw kung fu listed and figured why not.

I think that was a good decision for a wide range of reasons. Firstly, and probably most importantly, it's fun. I enjoy the classes and like the instructor. I like the other people taking the class so I get some socialising and am even starting to meet a couple of them outside the classes as well. But the reason that has most significance for me as a formerly disordered person: it's exercise that I don't control.

My instructor is the one who decides whether we have a hard or an easy class. He's the one who determines what we do and when and tells us we should be going home at the end of the session. He is the one who determines how hard I should be pushing myself, not the amount I ate the day before. If you go to the gym, you're in control of how much you exercise, how long and how hard. If you've had over-exercise as a symptom of a disorder, this can be dangerous. But my kung fu instructor has no way to know whether I ate normally or binged the day before, so the exercise is separated from the food. It becomes something that I do, not something that I do out of guilt.

My instructor also brings up the subject of food occasionally in class. For some people, this might be off-putting, but it helps me. He tells people off if they don't eat enough. One of the worst mistakes you can make is admitting in class that you haven't eaten breakfast. It's nice for me to hear someone saying that we should be eating more. He encourages healthy eating, but he does it by encouraging eating, rather than saying things are forbidden.

It's been good for me to know I have an instructor who cares about my general health and who won't be afraid to ask me what I've eaten. I hate lying, so I'm more likely to eat decently to avoid having to if he should ask me. The second time I nearly fainted in class, he started taking a strong interest in whether or not I was eating enough. He doesn't know I used to have an eating disorder and I doubt I'm going to tell him but it's reassuring to me to know that there's someone who'll ask me whether or not I ate after getting home from work, so I'm less likely to skip meals.

If you're in recovery and you had over-exercise as a symptom of your disorder, it can be difficult to know how to get back to exercise. There's no clear boundary between exercise and over-exercise. So I would recommend joining a class or a club of some sort. Make it something you enjoy, so exercise is fun not punishment. And make it something where someone else is in charge. That way, you'll be doing the same level of exercise regardless of whether dinner was half an apple or half the fridge. By turning over control to someone else, your disorder isn't the thing determining how hard you exercise.

So, in conclusion, I'm doing alright. I'm enjoying my job, I'm starting to make friends here and I've found a form of exercise I can enjoy without abusing it. There's another good thing that's happened to me over the past few months that proves there can be good even in bad times. I signed a publishing contract towards the end of last year and my first novel will be in book shops from September.

Giving this a break

I can't do this right now.

I'm completely messed up about my boyfriend dumping me (for no good reason I can see) and it takes time and effort to research and write coherant posts about eating disorders. I can't face that right now. It's difficult enough trying to keep myself from going back to everything I quit, without making myself think about it.

So I'm taking a break. I won't be posting for a while.

Hopefully, I'll be back when I get my head sorted out.

No video today

In previous weeks, Thursday has been a day for posting a new video.

I haven't made one this week. Making a video requires time and thinking about feelings. I'm trying to avoid both of those things. I meet people and schedule things with friends and then fill the gaps with anything and everything so that I don't have a spare moment to think about how I'm feeling.

It seems to be working. I made it through most of yesterday before I completely broke down.

I'm not letting myself mope, because once I start, I will hide under my duvet forever and only emerge to get more food.

Over the past few days, I've eaten quite a bit more than I should, and mostly sweets and fatty foods, but I've not had a real binge. That's probably something to do with not giving myself time. If I'm constantly doing things, there's physically not enough time to have a real binge.

It's still taking a huge amount of control to even maintain an illusion of holding it together.

Crying lakes of tears

My boyfriend has dumped me. He ended a three and a half year, near-perfect relationship. His reason: he was worried that if he stayed with me he'd end up settling down with me.

This is the comment of one friend on her thoughts when she saw I'd changed my relationship status on Facebook: "I was assuming... hoping... believing... that he'd proposed to you - I know that Facebook can be complicated when entering that sort of thing."

Another friend: "Wow, I can't say that didn't come as a shock."

A few months ago, when we found out we'd be spending a year at opposite ends of the country, a friend said, "You'll manage. You're you two."

Another friend at that same time, "I'm sure you can cope with a year long-distance. You're perfect together."

It seems the only person who didn't think we'd be together long-term was him.

Right now I think I'm going to be needing to pay attention to all the advice I've given to other people if I'm going to get through this. I'm spending loads of time with friends, so hopefully that will a) keep me from binging and b) keep me from thinking of him and crying my eyes out constantly.

Weekly Update 8th June

I am not in the right mood for writing an entry in a recovery blog.

I'd gone over seven months since I'd had a real binge. About eight months since I purged afterwards.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Cry in the Dark

Recovering from an eating disorder is incredibly difficult. Fortunately, there are charities and support structures out there.

If you live in the UK, there is beat. If you live in the states, there is NEDA. Both of these organisations should help you find help near you.

Sometimes, there are no local groups. Sometimes, the thought of facing someone and telling them what you do is just too terrifying. In those cases, online groups can be an amazing help.

Livejournal communites like ed_friends and purgatorium can help you feel you're not alone. Be careful though, some people find that reading others going on about their disorders can trigger relapses. Make sure you join a group that supports recovery. Look at different communities and read a lot of their posts before joining. You want to join a group that's supportive and friendly, one that doesn't offer tips for continuing behaviour and one which will applaud you as you try to recover.

If you're not on livejournal, there are forums. One that is pretty quiet but very friendly is ED Friends Unite. This forum is very strictly pro-recovery, so it's a good place to go for any eating disorder. If that doesn't suit you, just search google. Remember, always look for pro-recovery. As with the livejournal groups, read through posts and check that the place is right for you. It should be supporting the fight to recover, with friendly members and not sharing tips for how to make your disorder worse.

All Alone in a Crowd

So, yesterday I went to meet the people who are starting on the same graduate training scheme as me. One part of the day was a "speed dating" section which involved us finding out each others' main hobbies. Three of the guys put down drinking.

Watching a presentation about how much fun last year's graduates had had on the scheme, there were an awful lot of pictures of people with drinks in hand.

Talking with the other people, there were plenty of comments about drinking, nights out and hangovers dropped into the conversation.

And suddenly I'm back to feeling like a sixteen year old freak who doesn't want to try drinking, isn't interested in dating and would rather stay in with a book than try and sneak into clubs. I was lucky in school; there were a couple of other girls who also didn't rush to the toilets to check their make-up at the end of the day, just in case they passed a guy while on the way home. I found a couple of people who weren't fussed about grabbing a boyfriend or going out clothes shopping or getting drunk. At university, I found a surprising number of friends who don't drink and plenty of others for whom alcohol is something occasionally sampled as a glass of wine at a party.

But there is still often that sense that I don't fit in. This loneliness and feeling of not being like everyone else was, I think, a large contributing factor in my developing a disorder.

I was talking to my mum the other day about one of my cousins. It seems he really doesn't fit in with his classmates at school because they're all interested in drinking, smoking, drugs and having sex (or at least pretending to be so for the sake of appearences). I went to a private school with a strong emphasis on academic acheivement, which meant that the crowd interested in those things was smaller and less influential. He's at a comprehensive and seems to be the only one not wanting to get drunk, high or laid.

I don't see most of my cousins that often, but I do sometimes worry. There is strong evidence that eating disorders have a major genetic factor. I can remember comments from my aunt in the past about how he seems to eat a lot but stay thin. Maybe he's lucky. Maybe he's energetic. Maybe my aunt has a different value for "a lot of food" than I do.

But I wonder and I worry and I wish there was some way that I could let him know that things get better. He won't always feel like he's the only one not interested.

Look what's inside

I like to know precisely what's in my food.

This is why I rarely eat out or buy food from cafes; I can't tell what's been added. I've no idea if the chef has added a load of olive oil or fried the ingredients in butter or added piles of fat. Not knowing what's in my food scares me a little sometimes.

I even have it with my mum's cooking. I'm travelling most of the length of the country and, rather than do it in one go, I'm staying at my parent's house tonight. My mum will be cooking dinner. She's a very good cook and is usually on a diet, so I know that what I'll be eating will be a healthy mixture of fresh ingredients. But I hate the fact that I don't know exactly what's in there in what proportions.

When I'm out somewhere and buy food, I would rather choose a less healthy option that comes with nutritional information and an ingredients list on the side, than buy something that looks all natural and good for me.

I've learned to cope with this fear. I will go out for dinner and not spend an hour pouring over the menu trying to decide which is the least fattening option. I will enjoy an item of food that doesn't say in clear numbers what it contains.

But in some ways, I feel like those people who have to overcome arachnophobia by being made to look at spiders, then handle them, then eventually pick up a tarantulla. I can control my fear of unknown foods well enough in normal circumstances, but I think I'm a long way from being ready for the tarantulla.

Weekly Update 1st June 2008

After Friday's near failure, it's hardly surprising that I haven't lost any weight this week. It's not helped by the fact that I went to watch a show with friends yesterday (Ockham's Razor aerial show - it's brilliant) and bought some sweets in the interval. I ate most of the packet (I shared) and then, when I got home, ate the jaffa cakes I'd bought on Friday. I'm not even sure why. I wasn't feeling like I needed to binge, I just opened them and ate them knowing full well I'd regret it in the morning.

When I got on the scales this morning, they said I was the same weight as last week. The thing is, I don't trust scales so I'm automatically paranoid that it's an illusion. My period's just finished and my first thought was that I must have been bloated last week and now I've lost that water weight.

Why do I believe scales when they say I've gained but not when I stay stable or lose?

Ah well. I could have done without Friday's mishap, but the rest of the week was pretty good.

Breaking free from bulimia Part Three

After my near miss with binging yesterday, it seemed appropriate to continue with my posts on recovery since the third in this series is about perseverance. Recovery is a hard and slow process. It can take years and for half of the time not seem to be getting anywhere. There are bad days where you seem to forget everything you've learned and embrace the bad habits completely. But it is always worth fighting.

The day when you put the food back on the shelf at the supermarket and decide you're not buying binge supplies, that day makes the ones where you've slipped up seem less important.

The day when you can eat normal meals with friends make it worth the struggle.

There is no miracle cure. You don't just get better. But recovery is still possible.

Keeping going

Don't aim for a complete cure in one go. You're certain to slip up a load of times before you reach recovery. Trying to get better all at once is going to lead to you seeing these slip ups as failures. They're not. They just happen.

Instead, set smaller goals. "I will not binge at all tomorrow." "I will go two days without purging." "I won't binge on more than x amount of food."

Set yourself targets of short lengths of time without binging. Start with a day, then go to two days, then three. It will take a while and there will be many occasions when you don't meet the targets you set yourself, but it will feel amazing when you can say that you've gone a week without binging.

Try not to be discouraged by the times you don't meet your goals. Just set yourself another, possibly making it slightly smaller, and try again. That's the important point. Try again. And again. And again.

Sometimes it can help to try with other people, whether in real life or online. There are pro-recovery groups and online communities. Ask other members to join you in trying to go without binging for a few days. It may make it easier to succeed if you have to admit to others when you slip up. Some people find this just puts pressure on them, makes the whole thing more stressful and makes them binge more. It's up to you to do what works for you. If sharing your attempts at binge-free days helps you, then do it, if it doesn't, find something else that helps.

It might help you to keep a record of when you binge. Over time, you can look back and see the binges getting less and less frequent. On the other hand, this might be discouraging if all you see is a list of all the times you messed up. Remember, only do this if it helps you. It might be better to record the days when you don't binge, focussing on the food rather than the bad.

Find reasons to recover. Spend time with friends and people you care about. Spent time doing things you enjoy. Life can seem bleak and horrifying when you're disordered, but it is worth living. Try and spend some time each day doing things you like doing that aren't connected with food and this will serve as a reminder of why you're trying to get better.

Always, always keep fighting.

No more exams

Today, I had my last exam at university. This is a wonderful feeling.

I hate exams. I feel I have to get perfect marks. I'm terrified of doing badly. So, I eat. That's how it's worked since GCSE. Even since recovery, exams = eating. I eat more than is healthy, sometimes picking at food when I'm not hungry, sometimes eating quite large amounts in one go. It's as though for the length of the exam period, I acquire the symptoms of compulsive overeating disorder.

I know I don't have this disorder, but exams make me act like I do.

I don't purge anymore. I don't fast or skip meals. I exercise a healthy amount. I don't swallow loads of diet pills daily.

I worry more about purging techniques than I do about binging, which means that the week or so after exams, I feel horrendously guilty about what I've eaten, but don't get the satisfaction that always used to come with over-exercising or skipping meals. I eat way more than I should for the week or so that I have exams, but I don't burn it all off the way I used to. It means that weeks or months of being healthy get undone in a few days as the fat piles on again.

The worst times during my disorder were when I had exams. The times I've come closest to relapsing afterwards have been during exams. Today, after I've gone so long without a real binge, I went to buy something for lunch and ended up buying:

• A pack of sandwiches
• Two mini apple pies
• A snack-pack of biscuits (two biscuits)
• A packet of jaffa cakes
• Two bottles of fizzy drink
• A packet of crisps
• And a huge, huge bag full of pick 'n' mix

Compared to binges in my past, that list is very short. The fact that some of the food remains uneaten is a sign of how far I've come. It was helped, no doubt, by the fact that I met a friend soon after buying all this. I could have gone and eaten it all in one go. Instead, with little difficulty, I stayed and ate some of it in a large, but not binge-like lunch. The rest stayed hidden in my bag.

I didn't binge today. I ate more than I should and this food, combined with dinner, have left me feeling fuller than is comfortable, but I didn't binge.

It doesn't change the fact that my reaction to stress is to go out and buy food. Even if I don't eat it all, that habit still lingers from my disorder. I haven't acted in a way that would classify as bulimic for years. So why can't I be rid of this need?

Can you hear me now?

I've seen various documentaries about eating disorders. I can't think of one that doesn't, at some point, mention rape or abuse as a possible "cause" of eating disorders. I remember one documentary talking about how eating disorders sometimes start when a teenager's parents get divorced. They stated clearly that not everyone whose parents divorce will develop an eating disorder, but failed to even mention that a lot of disorder sufferers have parents who are happily married.

I think people look too often for causes in the environment. Some people are biologically susceptible to developing disorders and the triggers can be just about anything, sometimes events so small that the sufferer doesn't even remember them later.

I've read posts in other blogs talking about how families are often seen as the cause of a disorder, with people believing that someone develops this illness because of problems at home. So often, that's not the case. Eating disorders can be started by anything. What matters is recovery, not finding someone to blame.

To tell or not to tell

I was meeting up with a group of friends in a coffee bar on campus before going off to an event. I'd been eating healthily all day, done a fair amount of walking and hadn't had a great deal for dinner. I was feeling proud of myself for not binging despite it being exam time, usually my biggest challenge.

So I decided to get myself something to eat. I hadn't had anything sugary all day and I thought it would be alright to treat myself, so I bought a rice crispie cake and a chocolate bar. I was actually feeling good about buying them, telling myself that I was like any normal person and didn't have to feel guilty about induging in sweet things every once in a while.

In the group was one girl who a few people had been teasing about the amount of sugary drinks she consumes on a regular basis. She's fine with this and happily joins in the joking. Then she sees what I've bought myself and comments that maybe she's not the only one who should cut down on sugar.

My first reaction was, "Oh god, my friends all think I'm a fat, greedy pig."

I know she didn't mean it in that way. She was continuing with a light-hearted conversation and did not for one moment intend it to sound insulting. She had no way to know that the teasing she'd been happily receiving would seem like a crushing blow when aimed at me.

I don't advertise the fact I've been disordered. The number of my friends who know is probably so low that you could count it on your fingers and not run out of digits.

After the other day, I began to wonder if I should change that. My friends can accidentally hurt me without ever realising, because they don't know what a difficult subject food is for me. Because they don't know, it would be easy for them to step onto what is for me very rocky ground.

But I don't want to tell them. There's so much misunderstanding about eating disorders. I still worry that they won't understand, that they'll think I'm trying to get attention or that I was just a silly teenaged girl trying to lose weight by a stupid method. Even if they try to understand, most of them probably won't.

Then there's potential awkwardness. Food comes up so often in social contexts and I dread the idea that they would start acting differently towards me at those times. I want to be normal and that means being treated normally. I don't want my friends to start worrying if they ought to be offering me a sweet. I won't want them to wonder what I'm doing if I need to use the toilet after sharing a meal.

I want things to carry on as they are. But at the same time, I want them to know not to make comments I can interpret as them saying I'm eating too much.

I guess I can't have it both ways.

Breaking free from bulimia Part Two

As with part one, what I'm offering here is suggestions. My ideas won't work for everyone but if you think they might help, give them a go. They idea is for you to build up a collection of tools that help you cope with your illness and move on from it. Find what works for you and never stop trying.

Avoiding purging

By purging, I don't just mean induced vomiting; I'm referring to all forms of purging behaviour. This is where bulimia gets dangerous. Yes, there are health problems associated with binging and overeating, but the health risks associated with bulimia generally come from purging techniques.

Find out what those dangers are.

Whether you purge by vomiting, laxatives, diet pills or excessive exercise, there are dangers. Work out a list of what you do to try and lose weight after or between binges, then look up the dangers of those online. There are websites with some gruesome pictures of the dangers of repeated vomiting or laxative abuse. There are photos of the bodies of dead bulimia victims. It's horrible and it's gross, but looking at those pictures are a good way to scare you into wanting to avoid dangerous techniques.

Once you've worked out your list of techniques and the dangers, list the techniques you use in order of how significant the health risk is. For example, induced vomiting is more dangerous than excessive exercise, taking large quantities of laxatives is more dangerous than taking the recommended dose of diet pills, and so on.

It would take incredible will power just to stop purging completely all at once. It's easier to try and cut down slowly. You now know which behaviours are the most likely to do permanent damage or even kill you, so cut down on those. If you perform purging behaviours that have very little associated risk, keep going with those while you try and tackle the more dangerous ones.

As you reduce the number of binges, it naturally becomes easier to reduce the purging.

If you still feel the need to purge, try and remember those horrible pictures and they might remind you why you don't want to be doing this.

Now I'll try and give you ideas for avoiding specific types of purging. Don't just follow this list. Everyone's behaviour is slightly different, so you may find your own tricks that work better for you.

Try and spend time with other people. A lot of purging activities are time consuming and you will be able to do less if you're with friends. This will also help reduce binging. Because bulimic behaviour is very private, it's unlikely that you'll want to perform any in front of friends. This may also help reduce depression and increase self-esteem if you're spending time with people you like and who like you. Have fun and just try to spend time not thinking about your body.

Spend more time in public places, even if you're on your own. Instead of staying in your house, start hanging around in places where the only toilets are public ones with several cubicles. You won't want to throw up when anyone could walk in and hear you and start asking if you're alright.

It's about reducing the opportunity. It's a lot easier to resist the temptation to purge if you have less chance.

If you purge by excessive exercise, schedule trips to the gym but make sure they're before something else you need to do. That way, you can go to the gym, do a healthy amount of exercise but then you'll be forced to stop. If you know you have only an hour to exercise before you need to go and meet someone or attend a lecture or perform some task, then you won't be able to do more than an hour.

Exercising for small periods of time is a good idea. It will help reduce feelings of guilt from eating and any binges which might still be happening. It will keep your body healthy but, by keeping the exercise sessions short, you won't be putting too much strain on your body.

Set a limit on the amount of exercise you will do a day; an hour would be a reasonable amount. If friends or family know about your illness and that you're trying to recover, tell them about this limit. That way, they will see if you go over it. They will be able to persuade you to stop and it will be easier for you to keep to the self-imposed limits if other people can see you doing so.

Throw out any diet pills or laxatives that you have. You can't use them if you don't have them. If there is a shop you go to that sells them, try and only go to that shop with other people, because then it will be easier to resist the temptation. If you do give in to the temptation to buy more, throw them out again. It may be a waste of money, but it's better than damaging your body.

Now for the hardest idea of all, try to convince yourself you don't need to purge. Even if you eat a large meal or have a bad day and binge, tell yourself that you don't need to get rid of it. This will not be easy and it will not happen all at once. If you can delay the purging, that's a good start.

Try and work out the emotional reasons behind your binging and purging. I won't advise you how to tackle these issues; you'd be better off talking to friends or a qualified therapist. There will be emotional issues involved in your behaviour. If you can find a way to tackle those, the rest will become easier.

And just keep trying. There will be bad days. There will be worse days. But there will be good days too. Just keep hoping and fighting until the good days come more often than the bad.

Weekly Update 25th May

My weight's stayed stable this week. I haven't binged. I haven't over-eaten. I haven't over-exercised. This is almost a surprise, because I had an exam this week and I've another one next week. Exams are usually my trigger for a major pig-out.

On Wednesday, I had to take my car to have its MOT done and I had to spend several hours wandering round a nearby shopping centre because I couldn't go home until they were finished with my car. This involved a few hours sitting in cafes and coffee shops, but I managed to avoid overeating. I did fall back on bad habits in that I ordered for lunch a sandwich containing an ingredient I didn't like, simply because it was the lowest calorie option.

I also bought some more diet pills. These have actually be scientifically tested and there are clinical trials showing they bind to fat and prevent digestion. They don't appear to have had any effect on my weight, probably because I usually eat very low fat foods, so there's not a lot for them to bind to.

I know the diet pills were a bad idea because they bring me back to old habits, but I'll be able to stop taking them when I finish the packet and not have any feelings of guilt, because I know they don't make much difference.

All in all, this was a good week.

Breaking free from bulimia Part One

Breaking free from bulimia is difficult and can take a long time, so I thought I'd share a few ideas that have helped me. They may not help everyone because everyone's different, but if you suffer from bulimia, search for your own tools to escape this disease.

Avoiding binges

Stopping binging is really the key factor in recovery, because this prevents the guilt and dangerous purging methods. Binging can be caused either by emotional factors or by physical ones. The physical causes are much easier to deal with than the emotional ones.

The human body has had billions of years of evolution go into its creation and in most of that time, food was short so we have evolved instincts for avoiding starvation. Your body doesn't want you to die. So, when you restrict too much or exercise far more than your consumption, these starvation instincts kick in. You start craving sugary and fatty foods. This is a natural response that almost everyone has (the ones that don't are probably diagnosed anorexics). When you deprive your body of food, you will feel an overwhelming need to eat. Your body has evolved in times of little food so that when you see an availabilty, you will stuff your face because your instincts don't know when you'll have another opportunity.

This is a perfectly natural response that can be avoided. Never let your body get so hungry that a binge is instinctive. Eat regular meals and light snacks between them. I always have a supply of carrot sticks and dried fruit so that I can have something to eat if I get peckish and never get starving hungry so that I end up eating half the contents of a vending machine in one go.

Another method of avoiding binges is to remove the opportunity. Don't keep binge foods around. If you don't have any in the house, this puts an obstacle between you and the binge and can make it easier to resist.

Whenever I went to the supermarket, the temptation was there to fill up my basket with all the fatty sugary junk I used to binge on. So I never went to the shop on my own. Persuade a friend to go with you. If they know about your eating disorder, explain that it's to make sure you don't end up buying binge foods. If they don't know, then presumably you don't want them to know so it will be easier for you to resist buying all the things you know you shouldn't. Another possibility is ordering food online. I get most of my weekly shopping delivered by Tesco. It's much easier to resist a picture on a screen than a packet of biscuits within easy reach.

Someone on a forum mentioned a time locked safe. She puts biscuits and things like that into a safe that she can only get into once a day. When it opens, she can take out a couple of items, but for the rest of the day she doesn't have the ability to get in so she can't end up binging on whatever's stored in there.

Find whatever method is right for you, but make it hard to binge. If the nearest shop to you doesn't accept cards, make sure you never carry cash around. That way, you'll have to go further to buy supplies.

If you do feel the need to binge, go somewhere that doesn't give you the ability. Go into a cafe and order something small. You will be able to eat and get rid of any physical hunger, but you won't be able to binge.

Just keep putting hurdles between you and the binges and eventually you'll be able to resist them. Find whatever method works best for you.

Try and avoid triggers. What makes you want to binge? Are there certain places or types of events that make you feel the need to binge?

For me, loud parties with lots of people getting drunk always make me feel out of place, awkward and antisocial. I get miserable and feel like a freak for not enjoying myself. Then I go and eat. I've learned to politely turn down invitations to these events. It means I feel antisocial when I reject the offer, but I don't have a miserable evening that makes me go to the nearest late night shop or vending machine and stuff my face.

If there is any event that almost always makes you binge, don't go.

If you struggle to resist temptation when there's a large availability of food, don't go to places that offer a free buffet or eat anywhere that sells all you can eat.

Triggers are different for different people. Try and work out if there are factors that link your binges and then try and work out ways to avoid those factors in future.

That's not enough to be free. You will still struggle and binge and hate yourself for it, but if you can reduce the number of binges, you'll reduce the self-loathing and that will reduce the desire to binge again. There will still be the emotional factors affecting your desire to binge. It may be that the best way to deal with those is to talk to friends or see a therapist. Because the contributing issues are a varied as the sufferers of this disorder, I can't give a list of ways to make them go away. You'll have to deal with those yourself or get professional help.

What I'm offering is just a couple of tools. You'll have to built your own toolkit that helps you fight back against this disease.

Recovery

Another blog I read posted a list of what recovery looks like. I thought I would try the same with my own experiences.

Recovery is...

• Walking into the supermarket and coming out again with only the things that were on my shopping list.
  
• Not instantly thinking of an excuse to leave when a friend mentions ordering take-away.
  
• Eating a slice of birthday cake and feeling good that it's my birthday not horrible about the amount of fat and sugar.
  
• Going out for a meal with my boyfriend and focussing more on him than working out the calorie count of my dinner.
  
• Buying an item of food because I like the taste, even when it has five more calories than another option.
  
• Standing on the scales in the morning, seeing my reflection and feeling hideously fat, then going and eating a healthy breakfast.
  
• Having a bad day, eating a load of junk in one go, and then managing to eat more than a stick of celery the next day.
  
• Taking a biscuit when a friend offers me the packet and knowing I'll be able to stop after one or two.
  
• Going to the gym because I want to keep fit, rather than because I want to burn off a binge.
  
• Not having a load of wrappers hidden around my room because I'm scared people will spot them if I throw them in the bin.
  
• Eating a bar of chocolate, fretting about the calorie count and then managing to cook dinner.
  
• Going for a long walk and not having to worry that I'll faint on the way.
  
• Being scared that I'm fat and hideous, but not letting it stop me living my life.
  

One and Lonely

Another Superchick song.

I would like to point out for any Americans who are watching this that the "size 12" mentioned at one point is the British size 12. This is size 8-10 in US sizes.

Scales

I don't use BMI to judge my fitness. It's a terrible scale and I can't understand why it's so universally used. It doesn't take into account muscle mass or bone structure. I know that weight isn't the best judge of fat content. So why do I still weigh myself every day?

Why do I feel close to panic when I see that I've gained three pounds since yesterday?

To gain three pounds of fat, I would have had to have eaten more than 10000 calories more than my body expended. Even my biggest binges wouldn't have reached that total.

My boyfriend took me out for dinner last night. It was at a nice restaurant with excellent quality and I enjoyed it. I was able to focus not on the thoughts of, "Oh, god, how much fat is in this?" but on the fact I was sharing delicious food with someone I love. That alone is a sign of how far I've come over the past few years.

But I still stood on the scales this morning and all the old thoughts rushed back. I know logically that I can't have gained that much fat. I know that it's natural fluctuations, water content and the remains of the dinner still in my digestive systems. Yet it still felt like failure.

There were a lot of times during my eating disorder where it felt that my mind was split into two parts. I don't me an actual split personality disorder. I just mean that I felt there was the sensible part of my mind that could see what was happening and understand it. And then there was the rest of me. Every time I went to buy food for a binge, the sensible part of my brain would be saying, "Make yourself a sandwich if you're hungry. You don't want to do this." But the rest of me was still under the control of the disorder and wouldn't listen.

Over time, the two voices have shifted position. Now the sensible part is the louder voice and keeps me in control. That's the part of my brain that tells me it's alright to have a biscuit and that just because I ate a lot the day before it doesn't mean I shouldn't have dinner. But the little disordered voice is still there in the background, whispering that I'm fat and a failure and that an hour at the gym just isn't long enough.

I wish there was some way to make that little voice disappear. All I can do is try to ignore it and hope it fades further into the background.

But I will keep getting on the scales each morning. It means giving in to that little voice a bit each day, but it's better than the alternative. It's better than not knowing and having my imagination add pound upon pound to my weight.

What Disorders Look Like

I had a comment asking, not quite so politely, why I wasn't skinny if I'd had an eating disorder so long. Why is there an assumption that eating disorder sufferers must be thin? Many aren't.

In this post, I will describe the general trends in weight of sufferers of the four main eating disorders COE, binge-eating, bulimia and anorexia. I won't discuss EDNOS, since the sufferers can have a wide range of symptoms and fall just about anywhere on the spectrum.

I would like to emphasize that I'm generalising. With the number of eating disorder sufferers in the world, there are bound to be exceptions.

Compulsive Over-Eating Disorder

Trying to find a clear definition of this disorder, I've found a lot of sites trying to tell me that this is the same thing as binge-eating. It's not There are similarities and there are wide grey areas between the two where sufferers might be classified as one or the other, but they're not the same.

With COE, the sufferer has an addiction to food. They will use it as a means of coping with emotions. They will eat when they're not hungry, eat until they feel uncomfortably feel uncomfortably full and spend excessive amounts of time thinking about food. COE sufferers might binge, which is why this disorder is often confused with binge-eating disorder, but they also might graze. Grazing refers to constantly picking at food.

Almost all sufferers are overweight or obese. Some might exercise or try to graze only on healthy foods, so the affects might not always be obvious. Generally though, these people are consuming far more calories than is healthy and so will be overweight.

COE is possibly the most misunderstand disorders, because people assume sufferers are just greedy or lazy.

Binge-Eating Disorder and Bulimia

I'm discussing these two together because I feel they fall at either end of a range. With both disorders, the sufferer will binge, where they eat vast quantities of food in a short period of time. With bulimia, the sufferer will try to compensate for their behaviour by various means such as induced vomiting, diet pills, exercise and fasting. With binge-eating disorder, there are no compensatory methods. I say they fall at either end of a range because it's hard to put discrete values on these compensatory methods. There is no clear line where binge-eating disorder becomes bulimia. A sufferer of BED might occasionally exercise or try diets, but not classify as bulimic. A bulimia sufferer might not use some of the more extreme methods and so be closer to being a BED sufferer than others. With these definitions, we are dividing a continuous scale into discrete sections.

Sufferers of binge-eating disorder will be overweight or obese. They will consume large quantities of food in their binges but there will be no purging activities to bring their weight down between binges or to prevent digestion of the food.

If someone displays the symptoms of binge-eating disorder but is not particularly overweight, it is more likely that they are bulimic, even if they don't induce vomiting after binges.

Bulimics can be overweight, or even obese. Bulimia often starts when a person tries to diet but ends up depriving their body of too much food and causing instinctive cravings for fat and sugar. A large number of bulimics will be a healthy weight or slightly overweight. Even with the purging form of bulimia (where the sufferer induces vomiting after a binge) it is impossible to empty the stomach completely and some of the food will be digested. Since the body is in "starvation mode" all the food will be stored as fat. Between binges, the metabolism will be slowed so fewer calories will be burned than for a normal person.

Some bulimics are underweight. This group will almost always perform extreme purging methods and many will have strong anorexic tendencies. Again, we get back to the problem of indistinct boundaries. Where do you draw the line between bulimia with anorexic behaviours and anorexia of the binge-purging type?

So, bulimics might be underweight, sometimes severely, or they might be a healthy weight, or they might be overweight, sometimes severely. That makes it rather difficult to tell if someone is a sufferer just by appearance, though there are more subtle signs.

Purging bulimics will usually have damaged teeth from the vomiting. This is very often not obvious, particularly if the sufferer is aware of the damage and tries not to open their mouth too wide.

Purging bulimics may also have cuts on the back of their hands. However, they could easily try using something other than a finger to induce vomiting if they wish to leave not visible marks.

A large number of bulimics suffer malnutrition or nutrient deficiency. This is because the foods used in binges are often high in fat and sugar. These junk foods are often lacking in nutrients so even if they don't purge, they won't gain any goodness from what they do eat. If the bulimia sufferer fasts or skips healthy meals, they will miss out on essential vitamins. The signs of nutrient deficiency are often invisible. A bulimic may be pale or tired-looking, but this is difficult to judge. If someone tans easily or has a naturally darker complexion, paleness will not be to any extent which makes it noticeable.

Another sign is brittle hair. Sometimes the hair will fall out. This is a symptom that the disorder has in common with anorexia, but because the bulimics get some food, this symptom usually sets in after the disorder has been present a lot longer than would be the case with anorexia.

A person can be bulimic for years before the signs ever become visible.

I think this is one of the major problems that needs to be overcome when a bulimia sufferer seeks help. Generally, they will not look ill. This can lead to people believing they are putting it on for attention or the sufferer being scared to ask for help because they fear that's how it will seem.

Anorexia

This is what people think of when they think of eating disorders: people so thin that their bones are poking through their skin. The physical signs of anorexia are much harder to hide than with bulimia, though sufferers will often try, wearing baggy clothes and severe make-up.

The obvious sign of anorexia is weight. To be classified as anorexic, a person has to be noticeably underweight.

There are other signs, but by the time these are visible, the weight will usually be enough of a giveaway. An anorexic will be pale, tired-looking and will have brittle hair, sometimes falling out in clumps.

There are plenty of other physical symptoms, such as bad teeth and lack of menstruation, but in terms of appearance, you won't need to see these to know that there's a problem.

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So there you have it. A person with an eating disorder may be any weight and the problem may be almost invisible if you don't know the precise signs to look for.

Never assume that a person doesn't have an eating disorder simply because they look a normal weight.