To tell or not to tell

I was meeting up with a group of friends in a coffee bar on campus before going off to an event. I'd been eating healthily all day, done a fair amount of walking and hadn't had a great deal for dinner. I was feeling proud of myself for not binging despite it being exam time, usually my biggest challenge.

So I decided to get myself something to eat. I hadn't had anything sugary all day and I thought it would be alright to treat myself, so I bought a rice crispie cake and a chocolate bar. I was actually feeling good about buying them, telling myself that I was like any normal person and didn't have to feel guilty about induging in sweet things every once in a while.

In the group was one girl who a few people had been teasing about the amount of sugary drinks she consumes on a regular basis. She's fine with this and happily joins in the joking. Then she sees what I've bought myself and comments that maybe she's not the only one who should cut down on sugar.

My first reaction was, "Oh god, my friends all think I'm a fat, greedy pig."

I know she didn't mean it in that way. She was continuing with a light-hearted conversation and did not for one moment intend it to sound insulting. She had no way to know that the teasing she'd been happily receiving would seem like a crushing blow when aimed at me.

I don't advertise the fact I've been disordered. The number of my friends who know is probably so low that you could count it on your fingers and not run out of digits.

After the other day, I began to wonder if I should change that. My friends can accidentally hurt me without ever realising, because they don't know what a difficult subject food is for me. Because they don't know, it would be easy for them to step onto what is for me very rocky ground.

But I don't want to tell them. There's so much misunderstanding about eating disorders. I still worry that they won't understand, that they'll think I'm trying to get attention or that I was just a silly teenaged girl trying to lose weight by a stupid method. Even if they try to understand, most of them probably won't.

Then there's potential awkwardness. Food comes up so often in social contexts and I dread the idea that they would start acting differently towards me at those times. I want to be normal and that means being treated normally. I don't want my friends to start worrying if they ought to be offering me a sweet. I won't want them to wonder what I'm doing if I need to use the toilet after sharing a meal.

I want things to carry on as they are. But at the same time, I want them to know not to make comments I can interpret as them saying I'm eating too much.

I guess I can't have it both ways.