Getting started

I used to have an eating disorder. Most of the time, I consider myself recovered, but I still have my bad days and still suffer from some of the tendencies I had when I was at my worst.

I suffered from non-purging bulimia and my eating disorder, combined with pressure at school, drove me into a depression serious enough that I attempted suicide when I was fifteen. I have never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder and I have never been professionally treated. For years, I didn't believe I had a disorder because I didn't know enough. As far as I was concerned, bulimia meant throwing up after meals. Since I never deliberately threw up, I thought I wasn't ill. I was just weak and greedy. It's taken me a long time to get out of the cycle of binge-eating and then starvation, self-hatred and over-exercising.

Recently, I came to terms with what I've been through and decided that I would try and help others who have eating disorders, who are recovering from disorders or who have had disorders and are worried about relapsing. I also want to help increase understanding of what eating disorders are and how the effect those who suffer from them. There is a lot of misconception out there around these illnesses and I hope to show people how things really are.

One of the things I have done is to join online communities. I wanted to be there to offer advice to people who are still struggling with the things I've gone through. After all, what was the point of climbing out of hell if I can't help those who are still struggling down there?

Another thing I did was to start writing a novel. I have been writing stories for as long as I can remember, but this is the first time I've written something so deeply personal to me. The setting and characters are completely fictional, but there's an awful lot of my experiences and my emotions in the central character. I may be sharing extracts from the story here and asking for feedback. If I can get the story published and help spread the message, I think I'll have done a good thing.

I decided to write this blog because I want to talk about what I'm still going through in more detail without drowning the communities with endless posts. The main reason for coming to this decision was that two days ago, I was pleased with the result of a fitness test which pronounced me much improved on previous tests. Then yesterday, I went to the shop, bought a hoard of food and ate way too much, for no apparent reason. I'm still doing things like this, even years after my supposed recovery and I feel the need to talk about it somewhere.

My plan for this blog is to write a weekly update of how I've been in terms of eating and exercise, to show my progress towards being healthy. I will also write about my feelings and actions when I have either a very good or a bad day. I will also write about issues that I feel are important to people with eating disorders.

I hope that this will offer information to those who don't know enough about disorders and hope to those who are suffering or recovering.