Non-purging bulimia

When people think of bulimia, most of them would think of the classical pattern of binging then throwing up. A lot of people don't realise that there's far more to it than that. Plenty don't even imagine there are different forms that bulimia can take.

Even in groups that deal with eating disorders, when people talk about bulimia, they usually mean the purging kind. When people talk about the dangers of bulimia, they mostly consider the dangers of repeated, induced vomiting. They don't consider that there are other actions that lead to the same disorder. So I'm going to explain a little about a different form bulimia can take.

The definition for bulimia talks about binges – eating vast quantities of food in a short space of time and feeling out of control while eating. The definition also talks about feeling of guilt follow such binges and self-evaluation being based on image and body shape. Then it mentions purging behaviours.

Purging behaviour can include vomiting, laxatives, diet pills, fasting or excessive exercise.

Note the "or."

It is completely possible to be bulimic without throwing up.

I'll explain a little about how I used to act, but I don't believe for a moment that this is the only pattern non-purging bulimia can take.

I used to binge. I would buy a load of junk food and then stuff my face. A binge would usually be a bag full of biscuits, sweets, crisps and cake. Sometimes I would buy a microwave meal as well. Sometimes, I'd stop by the sandwich shop and buy a sausage or a bacon sandwich. If I didn't have enough food, I would eat something from the fridge or the larder as well. I would eat until I felt stuffed but I wouldn't be able to stop.

Then I would hate myself for being so weak and greedy.

So I would focus once more on my diet and be determined to be even stricter with myself to make up for my behaviour. My diet consisted of skipping meals whenever possible. My mum went (and still goes) away on business quite a lot. Once my sister started university, it was my job to cook dinner. I always tried to time it so that I would finish cooking a few minutes before my dad got home. That way, I could pile most of the food onto his plate and leave just enough on mine to make it look used. Then Dad would get home and I'd just be finishing up the last bit of carrot or piece of broccoli. When I mistimed things, I would be careful about serving things out, so I would get more vegetables and he would get more of everything else. But I couldn't do it too much or he'd notice, so I absolutely hated those meals.

At school, I would make a show of eating. I would obviously go to the vending machine and make jokes about how I ate quite a bit. I knew I wasn't losing weight. I would rather my friends thought me slightly greedy than guess that I must be binging and know that I was a disgusting pig. So I made certain they saw that I was eating... then I would throw away the packages with almost all of the food still in them.

I never ate breakfast. When I had to eat other meals, I tried to make them as low fat as possible and threw away anything I could get away with.

And I exercised. I played a lot of badminton and went to two different clubs. This let me play for at least five hours a week without anyone being even slightly suspicious. I went to the gym with my mum one evening a week. And I went jogging. I would get up early on a weekend morning and go out running. I tried to do this before anyone else was awake, because I didn't want them to realise that I wasn't losing the weight that I ought to be doing. I would rather my family thought I was lazy and didn't exercise enough than guess that I must be eating so much sugar and fat when they weren't looking.

Then, in the privacy of my room, I would do sit-ups and lunges and any sort of exercise I could given the confined space. The rest of the time, I would worry about how many calories I was burning. I would sit in my lessons at school and twitch my legs or wriggle my fingers or anything to give just a little bit more movement.

I bought myself an ab belt. It's one of those machines that you put over your stomach and it promises to give you more definition and a flatter stomach. The one I had said on its instructions not to use it for more than half an hour a day. I used it for at least three on full power.

I took diet pills. I tried loads of different brands and varieties: thermogenics, appetite suppressants, fat metabolisers, detoxifying complexes. I was careful about how many I took, because I didn't want to accidentally overdose. I would follow the instructions for each packet carefully, taken the maximum recommended dose. But I would be taking at least two different brands at the same time. Again, I was worried about overdosing, so I was careful to take brands of different types. I'd happily take a dose of detoxifiers and one of an appetite suppressant, but I wouldn't take two different thermogenics.

I also tried cold baths. I'd heard that people burned off loads of calories keeping warm, so I would run a deep bath of cold water. Sometimes, I was able to sneak some ice cubes from the freezer to the bathroom and put those in. I would sit in the icy water for at least an hour, shivering like mad and delighted that I was burning off fat. It usually took me ages to get to sleep after that, because I'd be lying in bed still shivering. But at least shivering used energy!

Then, after maybe a day or so of this, I'd be famished beyond belief and craving sugary, fatty food. I'd smell something delicious and lose all control and rush to the shop to buy another hoard of junk.

But I didn't often throw up. I only stuck my fingers down my throat on less than half a dozen occasions and, generally, it didn't work. The times when I did throw up, it was usually unintentional. I'd just eaten too much for my body to cope with. This particularly happened if I binged late in the evening and then went to bed with my stomach still too full.

I didn't believe I had bulimia, because I didn't stick my fingers down my throat after each meal. I didn't force myself to vomit so I didn't fit the standard pattern.

I want people to understand that there's more to it than just throwing up.